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I posted 4C yesterday. Please read it before continuing with this one.
I’m sorry, guys for the delay. This is my little note of apology.
I don’t want to wake up forever but I am awake even though my eyes remain closed. I don’t want to wake up. I don’t ever want to wake up. After almost an hour of deliberation, I push back the duvet and get out of bed, feeling weak in both my mind and body. This time yesterday I was in my kitchen, getting ready for work, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen. In another world, a parallel universe to this one, I would be waking up today a happy person. Maybe tired but at least happy. I walk to the window and stare out unseeingly. My mind far away. Melvina knocks gently on my door. “Uwa, are you there? Are you awake?” She whispers clearly.
“I’m fine.” I call out to her, sounding upbeat even though I couldn’t be more down. I wish I woke up with amnesia again like those years but no, my traumatized yesterday decided to bring back more memories. Early memories as I remember yet again. I sniff into the sleeve of my shirt.
“Okay, but I didn’t ask if you were. Can you open the door? I want to see you.” She says.
“I’m painting.” I reply, clearing my throat. “Later, dear. Please cook something. I’m famished” I add just to reassure her.
“Okay.” She says now convinced. “But can I just see your face? It’s been two days now. You haven’t come out. I’m worried.”
Two days? Wow.
I pick up some brushes and push them in my hair making them stick out and walk across the expanse of the room and open the door slightly, just enough for her to see my face. “See? I’m okay. I’m just going through painter’s withdrawal.” I explain dishonestly.
She winces as she glances worriedly at my face and I wince inwardly in return. I must look terrible.
I try to wave her off and smile to alleviate it. She sighs. “Okay.” She says and turns to walk away. I close the door gently behind her and walk back to the window. I don’t have a great scenery but I’m not here for that.
I wish this window didn’t have a burglary.
I need air but I can’t face Mel. I can’t breathe. I stagger back to one of the walks near the window and breathe in forcefully. Soon, I slide down to the cool floor and lie tummy down. Tears start to fall in quick succession again. I’m shaking from the sob wracking through my body but at least I’m breathing again and my heartbeat is slowing down. I don’t know for how long I lay on the floor but long enough for it to be hot and “Uzoduwa, food is ready.” Mel says just outside my door.
I stand up reluctantly and open the door a chink. I collect the plate from her disinterestedly and thank her perfunctorily. I kick the door shut, place the food on a dresser and go lie down again.
“I will be in my room!” She calls after a while but I don’t answer her.
I stay on the floor for what seems to be a long while. When I wake up again, it’s night and the air is very cool but I don’t do anything about it. Everywhere is silent at first but then I hear patters of rain on my roof and open one eye. No wonder it is so cold. The power is out so everywhere is dark too. My phone vibrates somewhere on the floor and I feel around for it because it doesn’t light up. My hand finally finds it, caressing its smooth back; It is lying face down. I pick it up and I glance at its screen. I check the time. It’s 11:57pm. Seven missed calls from Tony and two messages.
I have been trying to reach you. Call me. I miss you.
I reply. I’m sorry. I have been really busy. Will call you.
I try to place the phone on the floor again but it lands in a pool of water.
I jolt in realization. Rain is falling and my window is open. I jump up and rush to close it. Then I go to other rooms and make sure the windows are tightly shut. Mel is sleeping totally unaware, her windows shut. I close her door gently and I suddenly feel lonely and pained. I wish I could be like Melvina. Completely unaware of the wickedness of the world. When Ken raped- no. No. No no. No no no no no!!!!! I scream and crumble to the ground holding tightly the front of my shirt. Hot tears begin to fall again. It’s a wonder Mel didn’t hear me because I’m just outside her door. I can’t go through this pain. Thunder strikes again. I feel overwhelmed. I feel dirty. I wish I could be washed clean. I walk to the balcony and push the sliding glass door open. The rain is falling so heavily that I can hear it in my ears like heavy footsteps or drums or both. I climb the bench next to railing and throw my leg over it. Soon, I’m sitting on it and dangling my legs. The breeze blows past me into the house. My shirt and hair ruffle in it. I swing my legs again and watch, mesmerized, as the rain beat it when it is swung forward. When he had his way with me, I felt like trash. I was irritated with myself. Memories slammed my mind as he was doing his deed. A bit hazy but enough to know that contrary to what I used to think, I was not a virgin; I had a mother I killed and a brother I failed.
I shiver involuntarily. I don’t know if it is from the guilt or the cold. Lightening strikes and I go blind for a minute. I whip my head back- to Melvina- and forth- to the rain- quickly as an idea crosses my mind.
Maybe I should just walk away into the rain. There is a bridge not far from the estate gate.
If I could just get there.
Maybe all this would go away.
The loathe, the guilt, the irritation, the low self esteem, the, the sadness. I can’t take it. It is a wrecking ball of emotions rolling through my gut. Each one succeeding the other.