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Full disclosure: I don’t know how that word popped out. Girlfriend. I haven’t had one of those in years. True story. It’s rough and I don’t like getting into it or even thinking about it.
She looks stunned, temporarily, then, entirely indignant. I drag her off before she says a word and take her upstairs. All those years gone by after high school when I thought of her and just smiled to my self. I searched for her through all the social medias but couldn’t find her. I would have asked my sister if she could just turn her overprotectiveness down a notch. Sometimes, I think she likes her more than me. No wonder though. She was a wonderful person and still is. I deposited money into her account by force, bought her dresses and stuff but she isn’t even using any. I shudder at the look of her phone. It suggests a recalcitrance about using my money. Honestly, I think it’s a bit stupid and prideful but I love her all the same. It’s like getting back together these past few months. I close the door as soon as we enter my room.
“I don’t know what you want from me…” She is backing me as she talks and I can’t help but appreciate her figure. She is just so beautiful. Too beautiful for words. I’m trying my best to be a gentleman right now. “Akin?” She prompts, turning to me. I don’t hear what she says after but just see her lips moving. I fixate on them and soon, I find myself walking towards her; towards them. I dunno… Maybe I’m feeling more confident because of what her friend said. I kiss her. Long. Deep. Hard. Her lips are so sweet and I can still feel the after taste as she weakly pushes me away.
“I don’t understand this. You are hot, then you’re cold. I have never met a more confusing person in all of my twenty four years.” She says.
“Why? This is not clear enough?” I say and move in for another kiss. I expect her to resist but she doesn’t. Soon, we have moved to the bed and I’m peeling her clothes off of her body. I shiver in excitement and guilt. I know I have nothing to offer her but I want this. Besides, she is not a child. She would tell me stop when she wants to and I would oblige her. I’m at her panties and I have convinced myself that this is consensual. A party is going downstairs in my honor but I couldn’t give a rat ass about it. This is where I want to be. With the woman I love. It’s a pity I wasn’t destined to have a girlfriend. Or a wife.
I feel him stiffen when he tears through my hymen and slips inside. He stays so still that I’m afraid he will pull out and leave me bereft. I’m feeling so vulnerable and afraid right now. I have never done this before, so I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know if I should talk, so, I swallow spit instead. And just like a miracle, he starts moving again and the initial pain fades away- no, it disappears abruptly- replaced with intense pleasure. I’m talking all over my body. I feel tingles everywhere. He started off slowly but he is increasing his tempo now and soon, I can hear him moaning. I open my eyes briefly in a daze and I see him staring at me in wonder and with pleasure. I feel good that I’m responsible for all of that. His eyes were glazed and I could see that even though he was in total control of my body, he wasn’t in total control of himself. His hard sinewy body glistens with perspiration. It was the best ten minutes of my life. Nobody told me about the guilt that comes with the morning. It is sharp and transient but it came all the same. Then I start to feel like a loser. Actually I started feeling that after the last episode of sex when he rushes to an adjoining room-most likely the toilet- to retch. Was I that disgusting or was it just my inexperience? I’m almost tempted to follow him in and pat his back but I think better of it, I already disgust the dude. So there I was, lying in the wee hours of the morning, slowly coming to the sinking realization that I was a loser. I fake sleep when I hear him pad back into the room. He stands by the bed staring at me for so long that I’m tempted to give up faking it but the thought of looking him in the face? Seeing disgust written all over it? I’d rather die. First thing tomorrow, I’m finding my way to my father’s house. He joins me on the bed but stayed the farthest he could. I’m sure he would almost be falling off the bed. The thought almost makes me laugh. A classic bittersweet. I’m so stupid. I don’t know why I let him. Actually, I do. I guess I was just tired of fronting. I loved him and I’m sure he finds me attractive. Or maybe I was because you don’t vomit after you’ve had sex with someone you found attractive. Oh my God. I’m mortified. I have made the greatest mistake of my life. …but I love him and I don’t regret it, I don’t regret that he is my first even though there will never be a second between us. I whimper and cry as silently as I can since I can’t keep it in anymore and don’t know when I drift off to sleep. I startle awake to a loud clatter of metallic objects hitting the ground. I look around incoherently for a minute before I realize it’s from the bathroom. Should I?
“What are you doing here? Leave!” He shrugs me off and pushes me not too gently out of the bathroom, slamming the door in my face. I stand staring at the door for a full minute. There is a knock on the door and I hear Ronke mum’s voice, and it seems to jar me out of my trance. I rush quickly to pick my clothes from where they were flung last night and proceed to wear them with my last shred of dignity. There is another knock at the door but I can’t bring myself to get it. I hear the Tao from the bathroom run briefly and then u hear the door open. HE Pads across the room to get its main door, all the while sniffling. He exchanges words with his mother and reall her he is okay but doesn’t allow her in. I don’t know how to take that. She finally gives up when he doesn’t relent and walks away. He closes the door gently behind her. He turns around and spots me in the corner.
“You shouldn’t have let me eat all those junks.” He says but then he notices that I’m fully dressed.
“Where are you going?” He asks, surprised.
“Home.” I say simply trying to hide the agitation in my voice.
He starts laughing but then he notices I wasn’t joking, “Are you serious?” He asks, finally realizing.
“Please, excuse me.” I go to side step him, but he moves with me, effectively blocking my path. I start to feel an unwanted ball in my throat. Choking me. “You’re in my way.” I manage.
“Tife?” He admonishes.
I try to hide my tears. I don’t like the way I feel inside.
I grab my stuff and leave his room and even as I leave, I know that even as this won’t work between us, I would still picture him when I hear love songs..
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